I’m not announcing this to anyone. I went to two birthday parties this weekend and I was the biggest mommy at both of them. I didn’t want to roller skate because I was afraid I would fall and everyone would laugh at the fat person. I felt so uncomfortable. My weight makes me assume people will think I’m lazy and gross and not want to have anything to do with me. Which, I know is unlikely, considering the type of people they are, but still, I just don’t feel like myself. I used to be super enthusiastic, and I’m so self conscious about the way i move as not to look ridiculous. It’s a sad story that is entirely my fault.
How many times will I fail myself? Is 30 minutes a day really to much? What will it take before I damage my body irrefutably?
I am starting a Jillian Michaels video today. It’s called 30 day shred. It’s twenty minutes long. I have tried before and got lazy. I’m not announcing it anywhere but here…. Not going to talk about my exercising to anyone. I’m going to take some before pictures and have them on my desktop so I can’t avoid the way I look. I need to try some new things to motivate me. I don’t want to be so trapped and feel so ugly anymore. I want to feel free. This is one of my only big vices. My restricted movement, and the embittered feeling I get when I have to think about clothes or look in the mirror, or want to chase after my little girls but am afraid I’ll fall.
I want me back. Where is that skater chick that used to run around and jump off of things and walk for miles anywhere? She has to still exist somewhere in my depths.
I lost a ton of weight once, almost 5 years ago, before Josie came along, I know I can do it again. I have to find my motivation.
