my weight loss blog…

http://nelipot-slim-down.tumblr.com/

 

Enjoy. Or don’t. You know..

If you walk away, I’ll walk away…

I’m forming a very serious friendship with this girl named Erica. It’s sick how much alike we are. She hung out with a bunch of the same people I did when I was a teenager, when she was in her early 20′s. It’s weird. So fucking easy. No pressure. A person I can just sit with, and on top of that her significant other is awesome. Like, normal people. Not someone you feel you have to keep entertained or make witty comments or be anything but silly and lame and it’s ok.

It’s nice. I have so many friends now (mostly acquaintances, but you know, friends). The thought of leaving them all behind kind of makes me sick. Not to mention the ones I have that I never see, that I wish I saw more, that I love regardless of distance or time apart or flaws. To move so far away from all these people, and to start all over in a new place with all new people seems scary and daunting and exhausting. It’s taken about a year for me to get really comfortable at the store and start forming relationships…. Now that a time is set for our leaving the state, everything seems super scary. I’m terrified, no lie. Can’t I just bring all these amazing people with me? Please? I’m all full of fret fret fret.

Something is wrong with me. Civil rights debates on Facebook (I know, it’s stupid, but don’t tell my friend he is dirty for loving someone, Seriously, Come at me bro.) Listening to Maria Taylor and Bright eyes and looking at all the Serenity/Firefly paraphernalia I want to put on my car/wall/body. Also I’m remembering why I don’t listen to this stuff anymore. So sad. Nostalgia so thick I’m choking on it. How can I love something so much that makes me so super sad?? HOWWW?

Finally…

Another puzzle piece falls into place. Justin got a job at Whole foods, in the same department as I, and we couldn’t be more thrilled. This is what we needed. Both of us will have health insurance, steady, stable jobs with benefits, ne going toward the near 3000 mile move to Portland. We are making it a road trip, taking our time, almost a week, to drive up there. Fun fun fun!! And why shouldn’t it be an amazing experience?? How many times in your life do you get to drive cross country?

I’m excited and super nervous for the future.

 

I’m getting over myself and learning how to be alone again…. as far as friends go…. learning to be content with what is there and what is not and focusing on my kids and Justin. I don’t feel so sad….. being off of facebook has helped, being bombarded with everyone else’s lives and how much fun they always seem to be having with all of their friends wasn’t helping. Even though I know that I’m only seeing a tiny fraction of what their lives are, it gets to me, apparently.

I’ve been spending my time with a few cool people, here and there, relaxing, not worrying about it really and I feel much better mentally. 

Or-e-gon. Soon.

The only thing I can really count on about plans is they change. And change and change. 

No babies. Not yet. Putting it on hold for the sake of the children I do have. We have to get out of Baton Rouge. Every week, more and more murders, thefts, rapes…. The school system is being attacked, people are getting poorer and more desperate and it’s starting to show. Every where I look, frown lines are deeper, brows are more furrowed….

No moving to a nicer apartment either. Possibly thinking about nixing the whole get a new vehicle thing, as the public transportation in Portland is pretty extensive. There is a part of me that wants to just get rid of most of our stuff and start over. I mean, talk about leaving the past behind. That’s besides keepsakes and all the kids stuff and computers. Most of our stuff has come from off of the side of the road anyway, people throw the most perfectly good stuff out when they move.

I’ll probably not nix the vehicle thing though, we need one for emergencies. But most of the stuff can hit the road. We have to be on our way. This place has nothing else for us. It’s just going to keep bringing us down with it. I will not miss this mess, only the sweet people I know. 

Dead Space 2 is a seriously mentally intrusive game, man.

My husband plays it and the music and noises alone put me on edge, not to mention all the wet noises that happen when something dies, which they do, CONSTANTLY. And then if I happen to look up and get to see a death scene, well, they can be pretty serious. There is a part of me that is like ‘YESSSS!!’ but there is another part of me that can’t even tolerate looking at it for more than a few minutes without feeling sick. It bothers my heart. Like my metaphorical heart, not the actual muscle.

I used to be such a tough kid, but I can barely watch horror movies anymore without it causing anxiety to the extent that I generally stay up half the night checking and rechecking the doors and windows, formulating escape routes or what the most damaging weapon in each room would be and peeking in on the kids every thirty minutes. That seems way more neurotic when I type it out than it did when I thought about it.

I’ve been having horrible dreams lately, like, every night for about a week and it was kind of weirding me out, since I don’t really have bad dreams much, until I realized that I’ve been reading Clive Barkers Books of Blood for roughly the same time period. I love Clive Barker and his imagination, and no silly nightmares are going to stop me. pfft.

Listening to Dream Theater again lately, which is super pleasant.

In addition, here is a picture of White Zombie that makes me both smile and giggle. Silly Zombie.

We decided to be gross tonight and get pizza from whole foods (I swear I’m up there equally as much when I am working as when I’m not), and then across the street to Marble Stone Creamery for some ice creams! Giving these kids ice cream is probably a terrible idea based on the amount of sleep I would like to get tonight, but I can’t resist the happiness it brings them to get this once in awhile treat. I’m a sucker.

Something new.

I’m thinking of starting to write a biography type thing, but super embellished and exaggerated, since my real life really isn’t that interesting. But I can totally make it that interesting. Is there a word for what I want to do? Would that even work?

You, Me, and the Boatman (Truth is, I’ve been thirsty my whole life)

 

(Have I mentioned I’m obsessed? Oh and this song is Justin and I’s ‘dance around and giggle like idiots and hug each other so so tight’ song. See, not all of it is so so serious. This song is SUPER fun.)

Lover, won’t you stay with me until the boatman comes for me and kindly carries me across the sea? May our legends live to tell how we burnt down Heaven and conquered Hell. But you and I should live forever, because you and I know how to live.

It’s you and me. Our love is bigger than ‘most everything. It stretched out further than our eyes could see when you gave your heart to me completely.

Oh, everybody knows what it looks like to be in love. Even the boatman knows it’s so but he still has to do his job. I know it’s tough, I know it sucks.
So lover won’t you stay with me, til the boatman comes…
Because I don’t care about the past or future, when this existence is probably all we have. And so the lives we make are all that matter, so let’s live to love and love to live.

The easy confidence (What I would say to you now)

(This band, oh how I wish Quiet Company would have been around at 16-17, while I was coming into my own, losing my religion. How perfectly this band conveys the pain and anger that comes with realizing you’ve been lied to your entire life…. to be told to shut up and pray, to be told not to learn as much as you can when your mind aches for proof….I’m not angry anymore, as I’ve found my place, truth, and contentment.. This song is the epitome of the feelings that wreck you when you are going through that process. I remember the looks my family gave me when I would protest going to church. My friends, even. My boyfriend at one point threatened to break up with me over it. I remember  standing in the field across from my house and screaming at the sky, prove it! Something, anything…”If you wanted love, you just should have spoken up”)

I was screaming out your name. I guess you never heard me, but I was screaming it for years, and I think I deserve a reason for why you’ve been so elusive.

Now I’ve been thinking about my life and I can’t believe that I have wasted so much time trying to be what everyone loves, the prodigal son returning.

Oh, what a sight, the prodigal son returning.

If Jesus Christ ever reached down and touched my life, he certainly left no sign to let me know he had. And I wouldn’t mind that he couldn’t find the time, it’s just that now my heart longs for things that probably don’t exist.

But now I think I see this for what it is.

Oh my soul! Oh, my soul is tired, but I’ve got an itch to scratch, I’ve got a stone to throw, and I want to sink my teeth into your hollow bones. I’ve got a bone to pick, and I want to pick it clean! Oh, the prodigal son and his shameful disbelief.

I want something better. I want something real.

And this is the part where my exit starts, because I caught a glimpse of the father’s heart.

Do we want something we can’t have?

So come on, friends, count up your sins: one for being human, two for being born like this.

This isn’t love. We’re not in love. If you wanted love, you just should’ve spoken up.

Preaching to the choir invisible, part 1 (what do you think happens when we die?)

So you say you’ve got a peace about it?

Well, I propose you could live without it, because we’d all love to invent the mystery, and we’d all love to deny the history……. but love leads me on, lets me say what I think;

That we all belong to the earth and the sea. You say the truth sets us free? Sounds good to me!

Open up the pit!

He swallows or spits, and I swallowed that shit for so long.

Now what should I think of faith? It ain’t noble or brave, and I don’t need to be saved or chosen.

Love leads me on, lets me say what I think: That we all belong to the earth and the sea.

You say the truth sets us free?

Well, it calls to me and it offers no empty promises, because there’s probably nothing more than this: “Just today.”

So can you see that we are all where we belong?