I just shouldn’t blog when I’m in funks. I can miss people all I want, but it will be ok. Need to get back to digging into myself I suppose. Need to stop. Breathe. Re reading my past couple blog entries they seem so sad. But these are just side notes. My blog sort of becomes the things I don’t speak or dwell on, I blog them and then the emotion is out and it dissipates.
So don’t think I’m super sad. I’m fine. I laugh more than anyone I know. Run around smiling like an idiot.
Only the end made me so very sad. There is something about having a best friend of the same sex that makes life easier. My husband is absolutely there for me in every way, but I can’t talk to him about periods, or my ridiculous hormonal-ness or giggle about penises and him be on the same page. He tries, but, well, you know.
The two girls I’ve connected with most both moved hundreds of miles away this past year. The other ones…. I reach out, or try to, but they are either to wrapped up in themselves or their own lives to reach back… which I totally get… but it doesn’t suck any less….
And then I meet all these other people, lady’s I would genuinely like to spend my time with.. and what happens? Nothing. Putting myself out there is hard enough, I have to bully my feelings into toughening up so they don’t get damaged….Maybe I’m just in a different place than they are. It’s hard to be open at work. No one can get to know me really, I’m in work mode. Maybe I just foolishly continue to seek friendship from people who still think of others in terms of ‘coolness’. There is also that possibility I’m just really that boring. I don’t think I am though. I crack myself up all the time. It just sucks that kindness and openheartedness and non-judgementalness are less attractive characteristics than how ‘cool’ or witty someone is. I’m probably just in a mood.
It’s not like I’m dying. I’ll be ok. I need to be more ok with this, or the lack of this. I’m still working on it…putting myself out there with nothing in return is taking it’s toll though…
I miss Marina so badly. I miss our dorky jokes, our photography adventures, the knowledge that I could tell her anything and she wouldn’t think less of me or judge me and vica versa. I miss her laugh and her smile and her hugs and the ridiculous amount of nonsense texting.
I miss Miriam too…. So many late nights after work philosophizing about all kinds of shit. Knowing she would make me smile, somehow. Her tenderness and over thinking everything while I softly talked her down. Her urge to continuously improve the things in her life that she didn’t like about herself. Her laugh, and those incredible little ringlets that would find their way out of her ponytail.
I love people too hard.
I need to put on some big girl pants and go to bed.
Life is being weird. Plans change so fast. I feel so blindsided by everything and nothing that severe is going on. First of all I’ve really been feeling like complete crap lately. Just dog tired, and super gross. My teeth have been bothering me something awful, so I sucked it up and made the dreaded dentist appointment. I go in two weeks. The lady on the phone seemed really nice so that made me feel a bit better. Not much though. Still super scared. Maybe my teeth are making me sick?
We were going to use our income tax to buy a van, but that was postponed when the ceiling of our apartment started pouring old stinky water from a burst pipe upstairs into our kitchen, living room and a bit in the girls bedroom. I lost it. Enough is enough. It’s bad enough that it’s freezing in the winter, that that it looks super junky outside and in, the floors are all jacked up and signs of shoddy carpentry work, terrible paint jobs and just complete disregard for their tenants is prevalent, but shits leaking from the ceiling now? FUCK THIS.
So we started apartment hunting, only finding things we can afford and still save money to be in not so wonderful areas of Baton Rouge. Factor in the pretty lousy/lack of credit and our not so small dog and it becomes a complete pain in the ass. So a friend of mine tells me she rents a three bedroom double wide on its own lot for 80 more dollars that what I pay for my shitty little 600 square foot apartment. REALLY???
So we are looking in rural Zachary now. I’m so tired of sirens. I would love to sit on my porch and relax and let the kids play in the yard without having to worry that they are going to get hit by a car if the get to close to the driveway or someone is going to randomly run up and kidnap them.
Peace and quiet. Countryish living. I miss it. I don’t think I’ll mind the drive these days. I kind of miss getting to belt out songs.. it’s good for the psyche.
I really never thought I would move back to zachary. But hey, if I’m going to live like a hermit, at least I’ll be in the location for it.
It’s a never ending battle for those of us with what has been deemed ‘daddy issues’. Those deep rooted insecurities are so very difficult to eradicate and rear their ugly heads without notice, and seemingly without triggers or cause.
It’s not as if my father is or was terrible. As parents, none of us really know what we are doing and we make mistakes. Children can being annoying when you are used to being able to do whatever you want. If you aren’t really in love with your spouse. If the book is really interesting, if the computer game takes you away from the life you somehow found yourself in. None of those things means you don’t love your child, but they, we, I… grew up so fast that it was hard to realize what the lack of attention does….My dad has been trying really hard the past few years to connect and he gets mad points for that.
Although I’ve (so it seems, one never can tell with these things) eradicated the resentment and anger, there are lingering insecurities, no doubt, but all you can do is move forward amicably.
Those fears that you carry over into your relationships, and marriages and your father is replaced to some degree by your spouse.. and those fears of the man that is supposed to love you losing interest seemingly without cause and you dig at yourself trying to find a reason, something, anything you did wrong. All the while the calm part of your brain is telling you everything is ok, you are creating concerns, picking words and looks and sentences apart needlessly. This happens every so often. Overly sensitive, overly needy, silently pleading for attention and when all the kisses and cuddles and tender words are not deemed enough (they never are when this settles upon you) you begin to seek them sexually, your brain screaming for attention, but even that leaves you unsatisfied emotionally, because your damaged psyche will make up some reason for it to not.
My husband goes above and beyond what he has to with me, but it’s not enough in times like these. Nothing he says or does is comforting enough, and even though I know all this, I still seek him to make it better. Make it stop. Make me feel better. Which is wrong.
It doesn’t overwhelm me like it used to, short bursts of it, I put it in its place and it’s gone. I can’t wait to eradicate it from my life completely.
This song has always seemed to be the epitome of the emotion behind it.
Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million, say:
Difficult enough to feel a little bit
Disappointed, passed over.
When I’ve looked right through,
To see you naked and oblivious
and you don’t see me
Well I threw you the obvious,
Just to see if there’s more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy.
Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see,
See through it all,
See through,
And see you.
So I threw you the obvious
Do you see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy
Well, oh well..
Apparently nothing.
Apparently nothing at all.
You don’t
You don’t
You don’t see me
You don’t
You don’t
You don’t see me
You don’t
You don’t
You don’t see me
You don’t
You don’t
You don’t see me at all
