Don’t know what you have until it’s gone takes on a new meaning. Dreams of rivers and husbands and newborn laughter, perfect peace, bliss of something my primitive part craves … gone without a loving thought cast in it’s direction… confirmation makes it sting…..akin to a thousand bees descending in one small moment of realization….. then spiraling into neediness….. where are the ones on who to lean…… my chromosome share-ers, my hormonal relate-ers……none to be found……deep breaths….. control ones self….. self reliance is underrated…… everything will be fine mantras…..but feel so utterly alone.
Monthly Archives: January 2012
F*ck you hormones!!!
My mommy desires are kicking. And we have not been being very careful. It’s hard to overcome this desire to have another one. I need to snap out of it and get some things in order before we try for another one. Bah. Decisions, decisions. To wait and possibly have life get in the way, or to go ahead and do it soon, before I move 3000 miles away, and make sure I don’t end up regretting not doing it while I could. Bah.
There is a girl.
” She is 15. She wears long shorts, vans, band tee shirts paired with obnoxiously colored over shirts and a backwards hat. Girl is a skater kid, not very lady like, laughs too loudly, plays too roughly for most other girls her age, and most importantly (to her at least) she can keep up with the boys. Girl has lots guy friends, but isn’t really interested in boys the way most girls her age are. Girl spends almost all of her free time at friend boy’s house skating (he has a rail, lives on a dead end street and his parents don’t pay much attention to the young teens running a muck). One day a boy starts hanging out at friends house. Boy dresses similarly to girl, wears a necklace made of gears and bearings, is fast, strong, has an infectious smirk, a tenderness boys his age generally don’t posses and a blue mohawk.
Girl and Boy hit it off instantly. They develop a game which involved skating by the unsuspecting other, stealing their hat, and skating away… at some point that leads to the addition of tackling the hat stealer and pulling it from their grasp. After about of month of this game, Girl, who thinks she’s out done herself with this particular episode of keep away, finally gets tackled by Boy who lands on top of her. They stare at each other for a moment, then Boy cranes his neck to kiss her on the forehead, a gesture that startles Girl and overwhelms her all at the same time. Girl does not know romance. Girl does not know tenderness. Girl sees gentleness in herself as weakness. Girl is confused. “Why?” She squeaks out when the knot of mixed emotions subsides enough for her to speak. He smiles down at her and replies “We are the same, silly”.
From that moment on, Boy and Girl are inseparable. Boy is an incredible graffiti artist, and every chance they get, they sneak off from their friends, through the woods and to the old abandoned house. They practice tagging the place, spend hours laughing and simply on to each other. Girl brought some of her ninja turtle stuffed animals from home and Boy tried to steal Rapheal to take home with him one day. Girl protested teasingly. “What if something happens and i never see you again? I’ll never get him back!” Boy replies, ” Well, as long as i have him, you’ll know you’ll see me again.”
They become lovers in the purest sense, not sexual barriers are crossed because Girl is not comfortable and Boy is just happy to be with her. They pretend the house is theirs. The comfort in each others arms was the only thing they lived for. Girl’s mother had recently remarried and was wrapped up in her new husband, Boy’s father was a drunk, and Boy’s mother was states away…. They suddenly felt that the world was theirs for the taking as long as they were by each others side. Love in it’s purest form, spawned before the world beat them down.
Boy was always at Girl’s house, Girl’s mother loved him, and saw how pure his intentions were over time. Boy’s father would often drink himself to sleep, on which occasions Boy would ‘borrow’ the car and sneak Girl out of her house late at night, only to lie in the field across from her house, entangled in each others arms and stare at the stars, talking all night, basking in the warmth that is finding the other person that knows you to the core. Boy showed Girl she didn’t always have to be tough. Boy’s touch was always soft and gentle, and he had a way of making Girl feel safe and strong. Girl would often hold Boy while he talked about his home troubles and she would assure him she would always be there. They swore to each other that nothing would separate them, that they would always take care of each other, and the bond between them was so strong that they fully believed that they would always be together.
Boy did not go to school, as his father didn’t make him, so he would often spend the days while Girl was in school with his few friends. One day his friends offered him a joint and he tried it, while they were out tagging abandoned buildings. This day was also the day he was caught. He was arrested for vandalism and possession and, his father being the drunk that he was, did not have money to bail him out. So his mother was called. Suddenly, she decided she did care about her son’s well being and flew down to bail him out and decide what to do with him. Girl did not hear from boy for a solid day and became worried. She called Boy’s house relentlessly, only to find out what happened. Girl acquired Boy’s mom’s phone number and called to speak to Boy. Boy told her that his mother was admitting him into rehab, and that he could have no visitors, but he would call and write. Girl was inconsolable, declaring how unfair it was, even getting her mother to testify to that point. Unfortunately Boy’s mother was not one to change her mind once it was set. Boy was faithful to his word. Boy sent out a letter nearly everyday, filled with poetry and doodles and drawings to make her laugh and she did the same. Girl’s heart ached without Boy and longed to see him, and though Girl wanted to be strong, she would often cry when the brief phone call that was allowed would come to an end. Boy and Girl were apart for 2 months. Girl had shared some of the letters Boy wrote to her with her mother, in effort to convince her to make the trip out of town to pick Boy up from rehab. Girl’s mother’s heart was so touched that she obliged. Girls mother even agreed to dropping them off at LSU’s campus for a few hours so they could be alone.
There are no words to express the fever that took hold of them, as soon as they were alone they held each other and wept, kisses mixed with hot tears, flushing the pain of separation from themselves, making vows to never let that separation happen again. Once they had regained their composure, they made their way to the amphitheater. Intense cuddles and kisses turned to passion and for the first time they let hands roam. Girl never experienced anything so beautiful in her life and Boy couldn’t stop whispering declarations of love…After they brought each other to climax, they shared a cigarette and were quiet, not out of shame or awkwardness, but simply breathing in each other, feeding off of the love vibes that were pouring out of each other. Soon it came time for Boy and Girl to go home, and Girl became frantic, holding him tighter the closer they got to his home, fearing something would happen to keep them apart again. Boy placed hands gently on both sides of Girl’s head, cradling it as he often did, kissed her on the forehead and whispered reassurances that he would never let that happen again.
Boy’s mother had rented a small house in the same neighborhood as Girl, so Boy and Girl saw each other everyday. Boy’s mother had decided to home school boy and during the week he would wait across the street from Girls school and walk her home from school. Everything was going perfectly,, making daily habits of laying in the field on picnic blankets and staring at the sky, planning everything and nothing all at the same time. Much of the time they spent exploring each other with kisses, and their new found intimacy did nothing but make them all the more inseparable.
Then, one sunny afternoon the first or second week of summer, while Girl’s mother and step father were off running errands, there was a frantic knock on Girl’s door. Boy was in tears which turned to uncontrollable sobs when Girl wrapped him in her arms and asked what was wrong. Boy’s mother’s husband was being stationed in Kentucky and they had to leave ASAP. Which meant the next day. No one had told Boy this was in the works. Boy ran to Girl’s room and started throwing clothes in her book sack, including a ninja turtle stuffed animal, which had become a favorite of his, while Girl scrawled a goodbye note and explanation to her mother. Girl asked no questions of Boy, she was willing to leave her family and run away with him.
They ran as far as they could as stealthily as the could to avoid being seen, but a small town offers little shelter for runaways and they were found after only 2 hours. Boy’s step father had called the police and Boy and Girl were caught and escorted back to their homes. Boy and his stepfather spent hours fighting, Boy trying to escape several times. A similar situation was occurring at Girl’s house. Boy finally relented and called Girl late that night and they talked and cried until dawn. Later that morning Girl’s mother escorted her to Boy’s house for goodbyes. Boy and Girl collapsed on Boys bed weeping on each other, feeling helpless, not understanding why everyone kept throwing the word puppy love around, this was real, and this was rare, and they knew it. Boy’s stepfather finished loading the last of the families things into their car and told them it was time to go. Girl couldn’t breathe. Boy held Girl to his chest, while she wailed the word ‘No’ over and over, while Boy tried to quiet her down and whisper comforts between his own sobs. After gentle coaxes from both Boy and Girl’s parents, Stepfathers finally stepped in and pulled them apart. Girl collapsed in a heap of tears as she watched everything that made her complete being coaxed into the car. Suddenly she remembered something, she ran to her mother’s car and grabbed her stuffed ninja turtle and gave it to him, she kissed him fiercely and vowed they would find a way to be together again soon.
Girl spent that summer in her room crying, clutching the phone, waiting to hear his voice. Boy’s phone calls were restricted to 5 a week by his step father, who insisted their love silly, but boy wrote her a letter every week and she did the same. Weeks turned to months and the pain of not being with each other only worsened. School was back in session and Girl’s grades were suffering. She didn’t want to do anything but wait by the phone to hear Boys voice. The two became inconsolable, even to each other. It came to a point that goodbyes over the phone could not be said without one of them breaking down and crying.
Then one day, Boy told Girl that he couldn’t bear to hear her cry anymore and that he thought it would be better if they both moved on. Girl’s world came crashing down. What about all the vows they made? Why would you give up so easily? Boy, choking back sobs, only replied “I’m sorry. I’ll come back, I’ll find you, I have to return Raphael, remember?”
After that, Boy stopped calling. Girl didn’t want to hurt Boy anymore either, so she let it be, but she was heartbroken. She got older, dated other guys, fooled around with others, and she even loved some of them, but never found another she connected with as fiercely as Boy. Never one as gentle, or reassuring, or caring. She wonders where he is from time to time, and hopes one day, maybe he will walk back into her life, and they can pick up where the left off. After all, he has to return her ninja turtle.”
Girl grew up. Girl did her best to forget about Boy, even to the point of leaving him out of her past relationship conversations. Girl found another man who was as gentle, kind, reassuring and caring as Boy was, and their love stood more tests than most people should have to go through. Girl had beautiful, bright, amazing daughters with Man. Girl married Man and forgot about Boy. Girl is happy.
