Loves and goodbyes.

It’s weird to just… keep going. Every time its in my face, I just feel like time should stand still for a bit. Just give me a minute to wrap my head around how someone can just be gone so fast.

My cousin and I played together when we were young, they were the only other girls around my age that I ever saw growing up, we even lived with them for awhile. And that’s what my mind keeps going back to. My mom and I , My aunt and my two cousins. We were like sisters for awhile.

I always kind of expected it, in the back of my mind I guess…. but in retrospect, maybe I just told myself to expect it because that was the logical thing..but  always sort of hoped that she was in a stage in her life she had to get past and that it would be fine one day.

My cousin had epilepsy and the last seizure she had caused her to stop breathing…and no one was around for to long… they finished up the tests this morning and there is no brain activity, no blood flow to her brain….. nothing. My aunt and her sister are at the hospital, and they are setting things up with donors and then they will let her go after. She was only six months younger than me. She just had a baby.

When you know someone who was closer to the person lost, and you know how much they are suffering, it feels almost selfish to grieve. Especially since it’s been so long since we hung out.  It’s hard to imagine never seeing her or joking around with her again. It’s hard to think about what this will do to my aunt. It’s just plain hard to think about.

I did lots of crying yesterday and now I’ve settled into a state of shock and disbelief. I just hope she was happy before she fell asleep.

 

Kill it, Cook it, Eat It: Pig Slaughter

Tonight, my daughters, Juliet (7) and Josie (4) brought up the point that I try not to eat meat anymore.

Juliet- Well, we are all animals. Animals eat each other… right?

Me- I don’t think we are more important animals than the other animals. I don’t think it’s ok to kill them because we want to eat them, when we don’t have to eat them. Some animals have to eat other animals to survive, but our species doesn’t. AND since we are smarter (I use this term loosely, I am trying to explain this to a child) than other animals and I think that that makes us more responsible for making sure other animals are treated well. And almost all the animals that are raised for us to eat are not treated well at all.

Juliet: I don’t think we are more important than other animals either. I don’t want to eat animals anymore.

Josie: (who has basically leaned towards being a vegetarian of her own volition since two) I think it’s gross anyhow. I love celery! And the avocabos (avocados).

Me: I love that you love celery Josie. Juliet, I’m glad you feel that way, but it is your decision to make. I don’t want you to do something you don’t want to do just because we are… (interrupted)

Josie: WAIT! I love bacon! Is that an animal?

Juliet: (GIANT EYE ROLL) YEEESS, Josie, it’s a pig.

Josie: (Eyes growing huge) Ohhhh they kill a cute little pig??

Me: Yes.

Josie: How do they kill it? (my child is morbid. Seriously.)

Juliet: Yea how do they? Can you show us a video?

So I found this…..

Kill it, Cook it, Eat It: Pig Slaughter from Ed Kellie on Vimeo.

I stopped it at 1:07 at Juliet’s urgent request. She didn’t want to see it. She knew what was coming. I explained it to her. I don’t want to traumatize her. There will be time for that when she is older. Being able to handle that, not traumatizing her (even though I’m sure I’ll do something to mortify her when she’s a teenager)….. They both sat in silence for awhile… As did I… Josie said she didn’t think it was nice to electrocute the pig and that he was probably super scared and Juliet agreed.

And then they asked for tomato soup for dinner.

500 BABIES!!

Maybe not 500. That a slight exaggeration. I’m thinking two more. I’ve got it all planed out… which is sort of unfortunate considering things don’t like to go as planned….

Move to Oregon, get photography business off ground, buy house, add on rooms and studio to house, get gardens started, then have some more babies! So, like 5 years, basically. Which is sort of depressing….. Juliet and Josie will be so much older than the young ones…but it’s fine…. Then when the little ones get around 4-5… (possibly earlier if we are financially sound enough for it) I want to foster. Specifically older kids. Kids like 16-18. It’s quite a tragedy that these kids are just spit out into the world when they turn 18. I may not be able to adopt them, but I can give them a home. A base of operations, a place where people love them, regardless. A place to come home to for the holidays.

I suppose being an only child for most of my life and then having to split the holidays between two people made me want to have a big family. I want to help other people too. I’m excited about the prospect of being able to help some kid go to college, help them feel like someone gives a shit. I mean really. Watch this girl. If I could do something now, I would. It’s heart breaking.

Also I think I’d like to do like a poultry rescue thing on our land. Like, oh these chickens won’t lay eggs any more, lets EAT THEM.  NO NO No no no…. Give them to jade, she will cuddle them, possibly against their will, but better forced cuddles than a chopping block, right? Right. I say that and I will probably end up rescuing a few cows, goats… farm animal type creatures.  We will see. Don’t want to overwhelm myself. BUT more kids mean more help. Also I think having tons of animals, fresh air, and fresh food from the garden will be pretty damn therapeutic for foster kids. Maybe I can do mini gardens too, for each kid to have and plant what they wish. AH!

Life, please don’t let crazy things happen that prevent us from making this so. I don’t think my wants for the future are greedy or over the top. Please. Please.