There’s something wrong with me. It seems as if I can’t make myself who I want to be.

Weight loss is necessary for health. My joints arn’t going to be able to continue to uphold so much weight without deteriorating. I can see the weight in my face.  It’s just bad. But its like I don’t do a thing to help myself… I start to, then its like i just forget to continue. Another semester went by and I managed to do nothing but gain weight. Its to the point I don’t want to go anywhere anymore. ugh.

Am I that fucking lazy minded? I’m seriously thinking about looking into self hypnosis. I don’t know. I tell myself just do it and then don’t.

Ugh.

I do love the cold weather and it lifts my spirits no matter what. Maybe I’ll go running today. Maybe I’ll join roller derby and then I’ll be forced to exercise… but I can’t, I don’t have time for that.

I need help with this. I don’t know how to proceed. The more I fail, the harder it is to attempt it. Fucking cycles.

I’ve managed to avoid the typical melancholy I usually experience this time of year. Everything seems right in life, for the most part.

Maybe it’s because I’ve made sure I’m moving forward and focusing on that and all i’ve accomplished. They may not be big accomplishments, but they are there and it counts.

February will be upon us soon and I’m ohhhh so excited. It’s the next step. I think I am as excited as I am nervous. Make or break time. I think I’ll be ok though. I think I can do it. Maybe some marketing classes are in my future? Maybe small business management will be helpful in that aspect.

At my moms on thanksgiving, my mom’s friend Ladonna kept talking about how good Justin is with the kids and how nice he seemed. It’s like FINALLY everyone is accepting him. It made me step back and appreciate what I have. I really have a family. A real one. I take it for granted too often. He really is a sweet sweet boi. =)

I climbed into bed last night half asleep and woke up to him running his hand over my cheeks and kissing me, trying not to wake me up. Like I was the most precious thing in the world to him at that moment.Aw. I’m retarded in love.

I’m going to get some stuff to cook a nice big breakfast tomorrow, biscuits and eggs and sausage and bacon… I really enjoy cooking breakfast on the mornings I’m home.

I keep getting baby fever. It’s like I can feel my genetic clock ticking. But after watching all this Human Genome Project stuff, It makes me nervous. But man, I want a little boy, and I don’t want to be 30 having another child. I figure I’ve got two years to get a bigger place and get situated. 27 sounds like a good age. It’s nice to have feasible goals.

I might die if I have another girl though.

It’s a wonder to see how different life is from a year ago. It’s, for sure, better. Lots better. Lots less driving around.

I feel like I should have some sort of great advice to give, because i somehow manage to have a successful relationship. But I don’t. Because it’s so easy. I mean, we get on each others nerves and fight and say stupid, hurtful things  in the heat of it, but, I mean really, he’s my best friend. There is nothing we don’t talk about. NOTHING. I know, have known, so many people (my mom included) who’s friends know them better than they’re husbands/ boyfriends/ significant others. I just don’t see how thats supposed to be right. If I’m going to be with a cat for the rest of my life, or a significant amount of it even, I want to know that I can talk to him about anything. No tabu. I hate tabu.

But then again how do you gauge success pertaining to a relationship? 6 years? Check. 10 years? Not quite yet. 20 years? 30? I’ve seen people get divorced after 40 years. So success doesn’t even seem to be the correct term to use.

Advice is hard to give on the outside, because you hold the situation to your own standards, which aren’t necessarily the person you’re talking to’s. For instance, Lying  of any sort, in any way, is unacceptable to me. Cheating is a train ticket. Bye. But some people don’t feel that way at all. And maybe you see something in that person that you went through on a smaller scale and just don’t want it to be the same for them as it was for you, or you try to get them to step back and see the patterns, or or or or or or. I want to fix people. I can’t, I know it, and it drives me crazy.

So I think, ‘I need to back off, I’m not helping’. But worry if backing off will make things worse for a certain someone. I guess the biggest thing is maybe I just need to listen more so than give advice. Sometimes that’s all thats needed. An ear.

I amaze myself at how objective I can be. Especially watching someone I love get hurt repeatedly. But it’s hard to dislike someone based on how they treat someone when they’re in a relationship, because it’s a different set of circumstances. People generally act different in relationships than they would otherwise.

Sigh.

Was listening to an Ani Difranco album last night and this song stuck me hard. Brought me to tears actually.

“she’s looking in the mirror
she’s fixing her hair
and I touch my head to feel
what isn’t there
she’s humming a melody
we learned in grade school
she’s so happy
and I think
this is not cool
’cause I know the guy
she’s been talking about
I have met him before
and I think
what is this beautiful beautiful woman
settling for?

she bends her breath
when she talks to him
I can see her features begin to blur
as she pours herself
into the mold he made for her
and for everything he does
she has a way to rationalize
she says he don’t mean what he do
she tells me he called
to apologize

he says he loves her
he says he’s changing
and he can keep her warm
and so she sits there like america
suffering through slow reform
but she’ll never get back the time
and the years sneak by
one by one
she is still playing the martyr
I am still praying for revolution

and she still doesn’t have what she deserves
but she wakes up smiling every day
she never really expected more
that’s just not the way we are raised
and I say to her,
you know,
there’s plenty of really great men out there
but she doesn’t hear me
she’s looking in the mirror
she’s fixing her hair”

So it was fun. Both thanksgivings. Got to hang out with my brother for awhile which was cool and a rarity. We always have fun together.

Also I love this. I think it’s pretty accurate all around how people feel when someone says stuff like this. The responses were awesome. Jen and Max are my favorite people ever. ahahaha.

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Maddie K. Doucet

DISlike…

November 23 at 12:46am

Laurel Reneé

ouch. so not cool.

Erica Perry

I’ll beat her up as soon as you get paid.

Jacob Albright

Does she have an address?

So yea. I totally played hooky today. No interest in working at this time. I don’t feel so bad because it is the first day I’ve called in since I’ve been working there and I’ve been working there two months shy of a year.

SO Joe and Lena are having Thanksgiving tonight because Kandy has to work tomorrow. So of course we’re going. I don’t want to. I don’t feel like listening to drama pour into my ears repeatedly. Don’t get me wrong, I love those guys on some scale, they just make me really, really sad.

So that tonight, and real thanksgiving tomorrow. I’m finding a recipe for something to bring tomorrow. I don’t really have to, I just would like to contribute a bit.

I have to make sure everyone is bathed and brushed and have to fix josie’s hair  thats all jacked up…. ugh.

But at least all is well. For the most part. Can’t complain to much. I just hate the getting ready part.

My dad came to see me at work today to give me my card and my present (50 bucks and some Andes mints. SCORE on the Andes mints. A+ pops. I still cant really believe these goofballs are giving me birthday money) And we had a conversation. Like a real, lighthearted one. He’s getting all sentimental in his old age. It was actually kind of….. nice.

I wasn’t aware that they actually gave the license plate you had back to you. I thought you got a new one. The lady pulled it out of a bag and handed it to me with two fingers cause it was so dirty. AHAHA!! I giggled like a goofball and she gave me a weird look.

So tonight i think we’re playing cranium and getting drunk. Well, I know we’re getting drunk, i think we’re playing cranium.

My sister-in-law-kinda-lady sent me this when I inquired about Justin’s brother getting married.

“

It’s difficult to be too upset with yourself when you cause your own bullshit. I honestly just kind of kept meaning to get insurance and kept forgetting. They took my plate and put an ugly green sticker on my car. =( Luckily I had enough money in the bank to cover the insurance getting. However, i have five days to get another license plate and I DONT have enough money for all the goddamn fees. Upside: I will probably get birthday money from my crazy family that for some reason think I still should get birthday money. Not complaining. Just saying. So that will probably take care of that.

Lunch with my grandmother and dad tomorrow at macaroni grill, so that will be fun. I think. It’s one of those things where it can go one way or the other.

I may be working for the school newspaper next semester… still waiting to hear about whether full time enrollment  is necessary.

I have my classes picked out, waiting to hear from my advisor when she’s free.

Trying seriously not to be stressed out. It’s stressful trying not to be stressed. Ugh. I need everything to work out.  Please work out stuff?

When am I going to stop being so irresponsible with insurance. Seriously?

I can’t believe in as little as 3 months I’ll have enough funds to get the necessities to start my business.

Pretty sure I’m taking graphic design classes this semester and a math and flash and business the next. First things first I figure.

Birthday is next sunday. 25. How did I get so old so fast? 2009 has been a good year though. Productive. And now it looks as if Justin will be working so thats an added bonus. The holidays are always hard on him with the scrutiny of my family when he’s not working. This will also be the first holidays without Tony so thats an added stress.

So fake xmas tree or real one? I love the way real ones smell but the mess is awful. I figure we could get a fake one and get the pine scented car air fresheners and decorate them and use them as ornaments AND make it xmas tree smellin.

Work until 6 today. We are decorating the store. Which might be fun. yay!

Stupid bug. I missed class yesterday because I had to take Josie to the doctor because she was throwing up all night. I was supposed to finish my project that night and of course i didn’t because I was up with her all night. She’s doing better now, not puking, but still exhausted. Had to get some pedialyte for dehydration but other than that, it’s all good.

My brother made a proposition yesterday. He asked me what I was doing for my birthday and if I would have 8 free hours soon. So yea. I don’t know if I should. Never have and the last time I did anything similar was 6 years ago. Hm. Should I?

I need to get back into my zen-like attitude/state of mind.I keep falling away from it and letting myself get all wrapped up in petty things that shouldn’t be made into an issue.

The shortest answer is doing.” - Lord Herbert

So trying to keep my head up and breathe and stop being so stressed out when there isn’t much of a need to be.

Almost finished with my collage, Should be able to wrap that up when I get home from work today. Then to start on the Abstraction project, which shouldn’t be too much trouble. Fun is the name of this project. I’m totally diggin it. Somewhere in there I’m going to need to get my house project done/started, because that’s due next week. OH and the pictures. So up to the school after work for me to print some stuff out.

Work is still mildly irritating for me, but I’m working with Andrew every day this week so it’s laid back.

I got my house completely clean this weekend, or rather, Justin did. I did the kitchen mostly, although I have to give him props on cleaning the bane of our existence since we moved in there, the kitchen fan. He cleaned the hell out of it. So it’s actually nice to go home and sit in my clean house.

Justin is supposed to find out about this security job this week. I hope he gets it. It’s the holidays and we could really use the extra money. Fingers crossed.

I still feel separated from everyone. Wish I could figure how to make that go away. Maybe in time.