Don’t know what you have until it’s gone takes on a new meaning. Dreams of rivers and husbands and newborn laughter, perfect peace, bliss of something my primitive part craves … gone without a loving thought cast in it’s direction… confirmation makes it sting…..akin to a thousand bees descending in one small moment of realization….. then spiraling into neediness….. where are the ones on who to lean…… my chromosome share-ers, my hormonal relate-ers……none to be found……deep breaths….. control ones self….. self reliance is underrated…… everything will be fine mantras…..but feel so utterly alone.
F*ck you hormones!!!
My mommy desires are kicking. And we have not been being very careful. It’s hard to overcome this desire to have another one. I need to snap out of it and get some things in order before we try for another one. Bah. Decisions, decisions. To wait and possibly have life get in the way, or to go ahead and do it soon, before I move 3000 miles away, and make sure I don’t end up regretting not doing it while I could. Bah.
There is a girl.
” She is 15. She wears long shorts, vans, band tee shirts paired with obnoxiously colored over shirts and a backwards hat. Girl is a skater kid, not very lady like, laughs too loudly, plays too roughly for most other girls her age, and most importantly (to her at least) she can keep up with the boys. Girl has lots guy friends, but isn’t really interested in boys the way most girls her age are. Girl spends almost all of her free time at friend boy’s house skating (he has a rail, lives on a dead end street and his parents don’t pay much attention to the young teens running a muck). One day a boy starts hanging out at friends house. Boy dresses similarly to girl, wears a necklace made of gears and bearings, is fast, strong, has an infectious smirk, a tenderness boys his age generally don’t posses and a blue mohawk.
Girl and Boy hit it off instantly. They develop a game which involved skating by the unsuspecting other, stealing their hat, and skating away… at some point that leads to the addition of tackling the hat stealer and pulling it from their grasp. After about of month of this game, Girl, who thinks she’s out done herself with this particular episode of keep away, finally gets tackled by Boy who lands on top of her. They stare at each other for a moment, then Boy cranes his neck to kiss her on the forehead, a gesture that startles Girl and overwhelms her all at the same time. Girl does not know romance. Girl does not know tenderness. Girl sees gentleness in herself as weakness. Girl is confused. “Why?” She squeaks out when the knot of mixed emotions subsides enough for her to speak. He smiles down at her and replies “We are the same, silly”.
From that moment on, Boy and Girl are inseparable. Boy is an incredible graffiti artist, and every chance they get, they sneak off from their friends, through the woods and to the old abandoned house. They practice tagging the place, spend hours laughing and simply on to each other. Girl brought some of her ninja turtle stuffed animals from home and Boy tried to steal Rapheal to take home with him one day. Girl protested teasingly. “What if something happens and i never see you again? I’ll never get him back!” Boy replies, ” Well, as long as i have him, you’ll know you’ll see me again.”
They become lovers in the purest sense, not sexual barriers are crossed because Girl is not comfortable and Boy is just happy to be with her. They pretend the house is theirs. The comfort in each others arms was the only thing they lived for. Girl’s mother had recently remarried and was wrapped up in her new husband, Boy’s father was a drunk, and Boy’s mother was states away…. They suddenly felt that the world was theirs for the taking as long as they were by each others side. Love in it’s purest form, spawned before the world beat them down.
Boy was always at Girl’s house, Girl’s mother loved him, and saw how pure his intentions were over time. Boy’s father would often drink himself to sleep, on which occasions Boy would ‘borrow’ the car and sneak Girl out of her house late at night, only to lie in the field across from her house, entangled in each others arms and stare at the stars, talking all night, basking in the warmth that is finding the other person that knows you to the core. Boy showed Girl she didn’t always have to be tough. Boy’s touch was always soft and gentle, and he had a way of making Girl feel safe and strong. Girl would often hold Boy while he talked about his home troubles and she would assure him she would always be there. They swore to each other that nothing would separate them, that they would always take care of each other, and the bond between them was so strong that they fully believed that they would always be together.
Boy did not go to school, as his father didn’t make him, so he would often spend the days while Girl was in school with his few friends. One day his friends offered him a joint and he tried it, while they were out tagging abandoned buildings. This day was also the day he was caught. He was arrested for vandalism and possession and, his father being the drunk that he was, did not have money to bail him out. So his mother was called. Suddenly, she decided she did care about her son’s well being and flew down to bail him out and decide what to do with him. Girl did not hear from boy for a solid day and became worried. She called Boy’s house relentlessly, only to find out what happened. Girl acquired Boy’s mom’s phone number and called to speak to Boy. Boy told her that his mother was admitting him into rehab, and that he could have no visitors, but he would call and write. Girl was inconsolable, declaring how unfair it was, even getting her mother to testify to that point. Unfortunately Boy’s mother was not one to change her mind once it was set. Boy was faithful to his word. Boy sent out a letter nearly everyday, filled with poetry and doodles and drawings to make her laugh and she did the same. Girl’s heart ached without Boy and longed to see him, and though Girl wanted to be strong, she would often cry when the brief phone call that was allowed would come to an end. Boy and Girl were apart for 2 months. Girl had shared some of the letters Boy wrote to her with her mother, in effort to convince her to make the trip out of town to pick Boy up from rehab. Girl’s mother’s heart was so touched that she obliged. Girls mother even agreed to dropping them off at LSU’s campus for a few hours so they could be alone.
There are no words to express the fever that took hold of them, as soon as they were alone they held each other and wept, kisses mixed with hot tears, flushing the pain of separation from themselves, making vows to never let that separation happen again. Once they had regained their composure, they made their way to the amphitheater. Intense cuddles and kisses turned to passion and for the first time they let hands roam. Girl never experienced anything so beautiful in her life and Boy couldn’t stop whispering declarations of love…After they brought each other to climax, they shared a cigarette and were quiet, not out of shame or awkwardness, but simply breathing in each other, feeding off of the love vibes that were pouring out of each other. Soon it came time for Boy and Girl to go home, and Girl became frantic, holding him tighter the closer they got to his home, fearing something would happen to keep them apart again. Boy placed hands gently on both sides of Girl’s head, cradling it as he often did, kissed her on the forehead and whispered reassurances that he would never let that happen again.
Boy’s mother had rented a small house in the same neighborhood as Girl, so Boy and Girl saw each other everyday. Boy’s mother had decided to home school boy and during the week he would wait across the street from Girls school and walk her home from school. Everything was going perfectly,, making daily habits of laying in the field on picnic blankets and staring at the sky, planning everything and nothing all at the same time. Much of the time they spent exploring each other with kisses, and their new found intimacy did nothing but make them all the more inseparable.
Then, one sunny afternoon the first or second week of summer, while Girl’s mother and step father were off running errands, there was a frantic knock on Girl’s door. Boy was in tears which turned to uncontrollable sobs when Girl wrapped him in her arms and asked what was wrong. Boy’s mother’s husband was being stationed in Kentucky and they had to leave ASAP. Which meant the next day. No one had told Boy this was in the works. Boy ran to Girl’s room and started throwing clothes in her book sack, including a ninja turtle stuffed animal, which had become a favorite of his, while Girl scrawled a goodbye note and explanation to her mother. Girl asked no questions of Boy, she was willing to leave her family and run away with him.
They ran as far as they could as stealthily as the could to avoid being seen, but a small town offers little shelter for runaways and they were found after only 2 hours. Boy’s step father had called the police and Boy and Girl were caught and escorted back to their homes. Boy and his stepfather spent hours fighting, Boy trying to escape several times. A similar situation was occurring at Girl’s house. Boy finally relented and called Girl late that night and they talked and cried until dawn. Later that morning Girl’s mother escorted her to Boy’s house for goodbyes. Boy and Girl collapsed on Boys bed weeping on each other, feeling helpless, not understanding why everyone kept throwing the word puppy love around, this was real, and this was rare, and they knew it. Boy’s stepfather finished loading the last of the families things into their car and told them it was time to go. Girl couldn’t breathe. Boy held Girl to his chest, while she wailed the word ‘No’ over and over, while Boy tried to quiet her down and whisper comforts between his own sobs. After gentle coaxes from both Boy and Girl’s parents, Stepfathers finally stepped in and pulled them apart. Girl collapsed in a heap of tears as she watched everything that made her complete being coaxed into the car. Suddenly she remembered something, she ran to her mother’s car and grabbed her stuffed ninja turtle and gave it to him, she kissed him fiercely and vowed they would find a way to be together again soon.
Girl spent that summer in her room crying, clutching the phone, waiting to hear his voice. Boy’s phone calls were restricted to 5 a week by his step father, who insisted their love silly, but boy wrote her a letter every week and she did the same. Weeks turned to months and the pain of not being with each other only worsened. School was back in session and Girl’s grades were suffering. She didn’t want to do anything but wait by the phone to hear Boys voice. The two became inconsolable, even to each other. It came to a point that goodbyes over the phone could not be said without one of them breaking down and crying.
Then one day, Boy told Girl that he couldn’t bear to hear her cry anymore and that he thought it would be better if they both moved on. Girl’s world came crashing down. What about all the vows they made? Why would you give up so easily? Boy, choking back sobs, only replied “I’m sorry. I’ll come back, I’ll find you, I have to return Raphael, remember?”
After that, Boy stopped calling. Girl didn’t want to hurt Boy anymore either, so she let it be, but she was heartbroken. She got older, dated other guys, fooled around with others, and she even loved some of them, but never found another she connected with as fiercely as Boy. Never one as gentle, or reassuring, or caring. She wonders where he is from time to time, and hopes one day, maybe he will walk back into her life, and they can pick up where the left off. After all, he has to return her ninja turtle.”
Girl grew up. Girl did her best to forget about Boy, even to the point of leaving him out of her past relationship conversations. Girl found another man who was as gentle, kind, reassuring and caring as Boy was, and their love stood more tests than most people should have to go through. Girl had beautiful, bright, amazing daughters with Man. Girl married Man and forgot about Boy. Girl is happy.
Loves and goodbyes.
It’s weird to just… keep going. Every time its in my face, I just feel like time should stand still for a bit. Just give me a minute to wrap my head around how someone can just be gone so fast.
My cousin and I played together when we were young, they were the only other girls around my age that I ever saw growing up, we even lived with them for awhile. And that’s what my mind keeps going back to. My mom and I , My aunt and my two cousins. We were like sisters for awhile.
I always kind of expected it, in the back of my mind I guess…. but in retrospect, maybe I just told myself to expect it because that was the logical thing..but always sort of hoped that she was in a stage in her life she had to get past and that it would be fine one day.
My cousin had epilepsy and the last seizure she had caused her to stop breathing…and no one was around for to long… they finished up the tests this morning and there is no brain activity, no blood flow to her brain….. nothing. My aunt and her sister are at the hospital, and they are setting things up with donors and then they will let her go after. She was only six months younger than me. She just had a baby.
When you know someone who was closer to the person lost, and you know how much they are suffering, it feels almost selfish to grieve. Especially since it’s been so long since we hung out. It’s hard to imagine never seeing her or joking around with her again. It’s hard to think about what this will do to my aunt. It’s just plain hard to think about.
I did lots of crying yesterday and now I’ve settled into a state of shock and disbelief. I just hope she was happy before she fell asleep.
Kill it, Cook it, Eat It: Pig Slaughter
Tonight, my daughters, Juliet (7) and Josie (4) brought up the point that I try not to eat meat anymore.
Juliet- Well, we are all animals. Animals eat each other… right?
Me- I don’t think we are more important animals than the other animals. I don’t think it’s ok to kill them because we want to eat them, when we don’t have to eat them. Some animals have to eat other animals to survive, but our species doesn’t. AND since we are smarter (I use this term loosely, I am trying to explain this to a child) than other animals and I think that that makes us more responsible for making sure other animals are treated well. And almost all the animals that are raised for us to eat are not treated well at all.
Juliet: I don’t think we are more important than other animals either. I don’t want to eat animals anymore.
Josie: (who has basically leaned towards being a vegetarian of her own volition since two) I think it’s gross anyhow. I love celery! And the avocabos (avocados).
Me: I love that you love celery Josie. Juliet, I’m glad you feel that way, but it is your decision to make. I don’t want you to do something you don’t want to do just because we are… (interrupted)
Josie: WAIT! I love bacon! Is that an animal?
Juliet: (GIANT EYE ROLL) YEEESS, Josie, it’s a pig.
Josie: (Eyes growing huge) Ohhhh they kill a cute little pig??
Me: Yes.
Josie: How do they kill it? (my child is morbid. Seriously.)
Juliet: Yea how do they? Can you show us a video?
So I found this…..
Kill it, Cook it, Eat It: Pig Slaughter from Ed Kellie on Vimeo.
I stopped it at 1:07 at Juliet’s urgent request. She didn’t want to see it. She knew what was coming. I explained it to her. I don’t want to traumatize her. There will be time for that when she is older. Being able to handle that, not traumatizing her (even though I’m sure I’ll do something to mortify her when she’s a teenager)….. They both sat in silence for awhile… As did I… Josie said she didn’t think it was nice to electrocute the pig and that he was probably super scared and Juliet agreed.
And then they asked for tomato soup for dinner.
500 BABIES!!
Maybe not 500. That a slight exaggeration. I’m thinking two more. I’ve got it all planed out… which is sort of unfortunate considering things don’t like to go as planned….
Move to Oregon, get photography business off ground, buy house, add on rooms and studio to house, get gardens started, then have some more babies! So, like 5 years, basically. Which is sort of depressing….. Juliet and Josie will be so much older than the young ones…but it’s fine…. Then when the little ones get around 4-5… (possibly earlier if we are financially sound enough for it) I want to foster. Specifically older kids. Kids like 16-18. It’s quite a tragedy that these kids are just spit out into the world when they turn 18. I may not be able to adopt them, but I can give them a home. A base of operations, a place where people love them, regardless. A place to come home to for the holidays.
I suppose being an only child for most of my life and then having to split the holidays between two people made me want to have a big family. I want to help other people too. I’m excited about the prospect of being able to help some kid go to college, help them feel like someone gives a shit. I mean really. Watch this girl. If I could do something now, I would. It’s heart breaking.
Also I think I’d like to do like a poultry rescue thing on our land. Like, oh these chickens won’t lay eggs any more, lets EAT THEM. NO NO No no no…. Give them to jade, she will cuddle them, possibly against their will, but better forced cuddles than a chopping block, right? Right. I say that and I will probably end up rescuing a few cows, goats… farm animal type creatures. We will see. Don’t want to overwhelm myself. BUT more kids mean more help. Also I think having tons of animals, fresh air, and fresh food from the garden will be pretty damn therapeutic for foster kids. Maybe I can do mini gardens too, for each kid to have and plant what they wish. AH!
Life, please don’t let crazy things happen that prevent us from making this so. I don’t think my wants for the future are greedy or over the top. Please. Please.
Forks over knives/Thanksgiving…
It’s been a bit since I rambled about my personal life, so I feel it’s time for a good spew. Today is thanksgiving. I’m thankful for so so so many things. Everything actually. I’ve been super infatuated with my husband lately, mostly because things are getting so much better financially, and we can finally start to relax and breathe… I am especially thankful for the mindset and lifestyle changes I have opened myself up to.
Justin and I watched Forks Over Knives this past week, and it was so science and long term study based… it’s hard to not rethink our food intakes. The rates for obesity, disease, high cholesterol, heart disease…. they seem very closely linked to animal product consumption. Which is terrifying.
I had already planned on doing the master cleanse on my week off, and probably a juice cleanse type thing the week after to introduce myself back to food slowly….and after that, I’m going to try my hand at veganism. The vegitarian thing wasn’t hard, the vegan thing will be. I love cheese and dairy. I know I can do ok with almond and rice milk ( I have issues with the soy industry and I feel sort of lost when it comes to weeding out which ones are gmo’s and which ones are not, also, I’m unsure about the estrogen issue) but cheese man. Love cheese. And maybe I will have some here and there, but I would like it to be mostly completely out of my diet. Like maybe the holidays. I don’t know. Anyway….
Thanksgiving was fun with the family as always, but thinking about food with a new perspective changed the way I looked at our food spread. There was NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING, save for the sweet potato casserole and the can shaped cranberry slop that was vegan. Everything was smothered in cheese and cream. I was in awe. Veggies, guys, they are called veggies. So I’m starting to gather recipes and next year I will be making some vegan friendly dishes. Delicious ones.
I really want this for my family, better food, better health, better life. Yea. Dig.
15 styles of distorted thinking.
1. Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation.
2. Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you’re a failure. There is no middle ground.
3. Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once you expect it to happen over and over again.
4. Mind Reading: Without their sayings so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to divine how people are feeling toward you.
5. Castastrophizing: You expect disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start “what if’s”. What if tragedy strikes? What if it happens to you?
6. Personalization: Thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who’s smarter, better looking, etc.
7. Control fallacies: If you feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control has you responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around you.
8. Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what’s fair but other people won’t agree with you.
9. Blaming: You hold other people responsible for your pain, or take the other track and blame yourself for every problem or reversal.
10. Should: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act. People who break the rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate the rules.
11. Emotional Reasoning: you believe that what you feel must be true-automatically. If you feel stupid and boring, then you must be stupid and boring.
12. Fallacy of Change: You expect that other people will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hope for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.
13. Global Labeling: You generalize on or two qualities into a negative global judgement.
14. Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness.
15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy: you expect all your sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score. You feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.
Cleaning out my closet, and by closet, I mean body.
I’m so bad at this meditation thing. I forget, and can’t find any quiet time (which is crap, from the time the girls go to bed around 7:30-8, and when Justin gets home at 9-10 is plenty of time….I’m just distractable…) Meditation is hard. It’s hard to find a place to do it where I won’t be distracted every five seconds…. so……
I do it in the bathtub. I run a bath as hot as the fires of Mordor and lay down in it….and put my head as far under as I can and all I can hear is the tub running… and it’s so peaceful. The noise of the water running blocks out the sounds of the neighbors stomping up and down the stairs, neighbors coming and going and the wally dog pacing the floor waiting for her daddy to come home…. It’s not long, but it’s… SOMETHING.
I have a birthday party thing at a bar around the corner from my house, I plan on putting lots of toxic things in my body… and I know I’m going to feel terrible afterwards. Any time I go out and drink and smoke (I only smoke when I drink and then my sinuses are ENRAGED at me for DAYS.) I feel like I have this film over my skin, I feel gross and covered in funk. So the week after my party, during my PAID VACATION ( or, staycation, since I’m not going anywhere) I plan on doing a fast/cleanse. I feel like it’s time. I keep getting weird bumps and irritations constantly and my skin isn’t up to par….so a cleanse will be good. Get some toxins out, get centered, get some of me back. Maybe I can make myself stay off this damned computer more…. I spend way too much time on it. I should be reading, or drawing or burning, or sanding… so much I could be doing…. Nope, just play on the damned computer. Bleh….
Anyway I am looking forward to this plan, I feel really positive about it.
I keep sitting outside myself in conversations and watching things… and it people’s merciless judgements of others overwhelms me. Not just, joking fun, thats cool, but things like ‘oh I can’t believe she wore that’…. or generalizing… it’s weird how little I noticed it before…. but here’s the catch, the trick is, to not judge someone for judging someone… so hard. To look at everyone though the eyes of love if a difficult task indeed…. I’m trying so so hard.
Vent/ letting go/ repercussions.
This is the monster I created for myself that I now have to deal with. My militancy has given this to me. I don’t regret it, can’t regret it, because it was a path, a side road, a process I had to go through to come full circle, to this place where I can see so much better.
The story: I kept seeing this posted everywhere.
So silly. Ridiculousness. So I post this:
On facebook I post this gem along with the caption “Only posting this because not long ago I saw one circulating that said Athiesm: The belief that nothing came from nothing blah blah blah…. No moron, it’s called science.”
Because the original is ridiculous.
And then, there was a misunderstanding, someone thought it was directed at them…. It was an awful experience.
We used to be best friends. The hatefulness that came through in that post blew me away, as well as the confusion that she would just assume I directed that at her, when, even when I was being all militant, I always tried to keep person specific name calling out of the game. If I have this effect on her, than us being friends isn’t a good thing for either of us. Which makes me super super sad, but it’s my own fault I guess… and no matter how many times I’ve told her I don’t hate anyone because of what they believe… at all.. ever…. she just doesn’t seem to believe it. So I’m letting go. For both of us. Mostly for her. I don’t want her to be angered by the things I say, or be able to jump to conclusions. She has enough on her plate. Goodbye old friend. I’ll miss you.
